I should be packing for a missions trip right now, but instead I am sitting down with a storied glass of wine and opera music. I am not accustomed to listening to opera, although I think I have enjoyed it most of my life. It can soothe the emotional side of the soul, but can also dangerously feed into certain emotions - I think (dependent on lyrics maybe too). But alas, I am inclined to listen to a few songs right now, before switching to my usual playlist - as I reflect on recent news of those in my circle of friends who are mourning loss and questioning life, as someone they know has chosen to take their own life.
The decision to take one’s own life has affected my family very personally, as have other choices which inevitably lead to the ending of life.
It makes me reflect on my own life, on the subject of depression, and of my own personal experience with depression.
I have so many thoughts on this subject and have read numerous books on the topic, my favourites coming from the publishers at Desiring God. I especially appreciate reading about men (and women) who loved God, and longed to live their lives for Him, and for His glory, and yet suffered with the incredibly dark and trying times of depression.
One of my favourite books in the Bible (for countless reasons), is the book of Job. Job “suffered with depression”.
But, I don’t feel inspired right now to write about Job, C.S. Lewis, or Charles Spurgeon. Nor do I desire to write now about all that I believe the Bible and a Christian World View say about depression. But, I do want to -without going into too much detail - share about my most recent and greatest time of depression, and what brought me through.
A few years ago, after a series of trials and testings of my faith and of life-threatening adversity and health-threatening hardships, I was in what Anne of Green Gables called, “the depths of despair”. To continue with the theme of Canada’s (fictional) heroine and her story, I do not agree with Marilla Cuthbert’s summation that, “to despair is to turn one’s back on God”. But, I don’t want to get into that here either.
At that time, I was suffering with what felt like the physical affects of how deeply I was wounded in my soul. I had boils, impetigo on my face, adrenal fatigue (tested low on almost all hormones), and asthma. I felt rejected and alone, and I honestly wanted to die.
BUT, I did not ever contemplate actually taking my own life (which speaks to God’s grace more than to my actual “mental health” nor of my faith and relationship with God). I longed, more than ever, for Christ to come back, or to be taken to Him, and I prayed for that. But, as bold as I was to ask for God to take my life, I would never be so bold as to attempt to take it myself - which maybe does say something of my relationship with Him. HE is God and I am NOT.
I believe in the very core of my being, and therefore I value, that I am made in the image of my Creator God AND, that even when I don’t feel it, that I am loved by Him. I believe that He has planned the EXACT times and places for me to live, AND that every day is written in His book before one of them comes to pass.
I BELONG to Him and NOTHING can separate me from His love.I also believe that no matter what state my physical, hormonal, emotional, nutritional, mental or otherwise “self” is in, that because I have confessed Him as my Lord and Saviour, and because I seek to live my life in relationship with Him; loving Him by seeking to obey His commands, bringing a sacrifice of praise and desiring to live my life to His glory, and as a living sacrifice to Him, I BELONG to Him and NOTHING can separate me from His love.
What I yearned for in that time, was for true Christian fellowship, for biblical counsel, for “debriefing”, for support and care, for friends, for help. But, at the time, I didn’t get that (I DID have a loving husband and family praying for me! And trying to encourage me!). Not receiving what I knew I needed, made me feel even more depressed, and I felt unable to even reach out or seek the help that I knew I needed. I knew that ultimately, I could find the best counsel in God’s Word and through His Holy Spirit, but I felt so “down”, that I couldn’t even force myself to really read the Bible, and other than asking God to “help” or to “let me die”, I could barely even pray.
So, what did I do? If I couldn’t reach out to others and no one reached out to me, if I rarely read the Bible and could barely pray, how did I ever come through such a difficult time of pain ,and loss, and confusion, and sadness?
It was all by God’s grace, and still by His Word and through His Holy Spirit, and even through His Church. His Word is hidden in my heart (from memorization), His people were praying for me, and His Holy Spirit reminded me of truths and brought healing to my soul through listening to the singing of family in Christ (whom I have never met).
I would force myself to get up each day and take care of my kids, and for their sake, and because I love them (even though I wasn’t “feeling” love), I took care of them all day and read Bible stories to them and prayed with and for them before bed (taking the focus of of myself and praying for friends and family around the world). Then, when they were tucked in, I would shut myself up in a room and would listen to worship songs, on repeat and sometimes I would cry. I would lament.
I recently watched Anne of Green Gables (original by Sullivan), so I keep thinking of quotes… I would “feel a prayer”. I honestly had no words, but it was a posture of prayer and of utter desperation, and ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that healing and help and salvation could only ever truly come from God and I NEED Him.
I would listen to lyrics like, “my hope is built on nothing less than Your great love, Your righteousness… I will not walk another way… I wholly trust in Jesus name…I trust Your Heart, I trust Your Name…I’m holding on to You… it is well with my soul, what a friend we have in Jesus - who will all our sorrows share…take it to the Lord in prayer.”
Wherever you are at, whether you are the one praying for someone in depression, or you are in the “depths of despair” and cannot even “feel a prayer.” Whether you call yourself a Christian, have grown up in the Church, have confessed Him as your Saviour or have never even heard His Name - Jesus.
Wherever you are at, whether you are the one praying for someone in depression, or you are in the “depths of despair” and cannot even “feel a prayer.” Whether you call yourself a Christian, have grown up in the Church, have confessed Him as your Saviour or have never even heard His Name - Jesus.
The only way out of any measure of depression is to acknowledge who you are, in comparison to who He is (and you know He exists), and to kneel before Him in utter desperation, and not just cry or lament, nor just cry in repentance, but to sing - to worship as a living sacrifice - to choose life.
We all need to have the perspective that Job was given, by God in Job 38-41. And, living in the time of history that we are in now, we have an even greater example than Job, and not just an example, but One who experienced all of life in our place. Jesus too was acquainted with grief. And because He chose to lay down His life, we can have life - life eternal. And with His help, we can fight for JOY, and the joy of the Lord will be our strength. Don’t give up! Choose life!
In closing, Hundreds of years before Jesus was born, the prophet Isaiah (chapter 53) said of Him,
“He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before its shearers is silent, so he did not open his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away. Yet who of his generation protested? For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was punished. He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,and though the Lord makes his life an offering for sin, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After he has suffered, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death ,and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors."
Oh, what a wonderful Saviour!